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    Thread: We gave her up for adoption

    1. #1

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      May 2012
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      We gave her up for adoption

      Do you agree with the answer that "Dear Amy" gave?

      I am a male in my early 70s. I made a terrible mistake when I was 16 years old: I got my girlfriend (also 16) pregnant.

      Both sets of parents were supportive and arranged for my girlfriend to enroll in what was at that time referred to as an unwed-mother’s home. At birth, the child was immediately placed for adoption and went to a loving home.

      I know nothing of the child and have had no contact with my ex-girlfriend since she left our town for the home.

      My question is, should I be open with my children (now adults) about their having a half-sibling out there someplace? I’ve told my wife, but never discussed this sordid part of my history with anyone else. Not ever.

      I am concerned that someday there will be a knock on my door due to the extensive research capabilities available via the Internet.

      To try to find out details about the child seems to me to be a fool’s errand, and any light shed on this subject would only serve to hurt people.

      I have managed to keep my mouth shut for decades; should I continue to hold this secret to myself? Thank you for your insight and advice.


      Dear Burdened: I think you should make an effort to reframe how you’ve been thinking about this episode for the past five-plus decades.

      Here are the words you use to describe your role in the birth of this child: “terrible,” “mistake,” “sordid,” “secret.” You describe any possible disclosure as a “fool’s errand” that will “hurt people.”

      Try to replace those words with these: “truth,” “light,” “acceptance,” “forgiveness.”

      You and this child’s mother were 16. You did what 16-year-olds do, and you got through it with the tools you had at the time — through your parents’ collective control, fueled by the societal shame that dominated the culture during that era.

      Yes, I believe you should disclose this. Why? Because it is the truth. But before you talk to your children, you absolutely must own this important part of your history. Strive to do so with integrity and authenticity. Trying to track down this biological child should not hurt other people. I believe it could actually liberate you (and perhaps others). After a period of adjustment, the people who know and love you the most (your wife and kids) should support your efforts.

      You are correct that DNA testing and Internet tracking has brought countless stories like yours into the light. You can’t control how people receive this story, but please — claim this, and understand that life is messy, and that’s OK.

      * * * * *

    2. #2

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      Jul 2012
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      We all make stupid mistakes. At 70+, it is unlikely that a 60+ yr old child is going to show up. The child may not know they were adopted or were told that both birth parents were killed in an accident. The child may not even care to find you even if they were told the story. The only advantage would be to find out about potential health issues, but at 60 they well have already manifested. Indeed, the child may not be alive due to accident or MI. The adoptive parents may be in fear that you will look them up and destroy their secret.

      The Christian response is that if you have brought it to Him and He has forgiven you then forgive yourself. Do not live in fear. If God wants it to happen, it will. Unless you are rich and feel you owe the child some money there is little reason to seek him/her out and disrupt three families. If it happens, then God will prepare your family. You have lived a godly life since then and if you raised your kids right they will forgive your past and may even be excited about having another sibling. Pray about it, commit it to Him and if He says do the research, do it. If not, let it alone.
      Luke 22:31,32
      When the herd is aheadin' fer the cliff it t'ain't bad bein' a Maverick!


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